Anxiety, People-Pleasing, the Fawn Response, and Codependency
Understanding the Link
Many people who struggle with anxiety also find themselves putting others’ needs ahead of their own, often without realizing it. This can come from a combination of:
1. Anxiety and the Need for Safety
When your nervous system senses danger (physical or emotional) it triggers survival strategies. Anxiety can activate survival responses that include fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
The fawn response is a trauma adaptation where you try to stay safe by pleasing, accommodating, over-helping others and prioritizing others’ needs to prevent conflict, criticism, rejection, or harm. It often develops when past experiences taught you that being agreeable or self-sacrificing reduced the risk of anger, abandonment, or rejection.
While often adaptive in unsafe or unpredictable environments, chronic fawning can merge with people-pleasing tendencies, creating a cycle that fuels anxious attachment and codependency.
2. People Pleasing
Reinforced by praise for being “helpful” or “selfless,” but often at the expense of one’s own needs.
3. Anxious Attachment
Early relationships that felt inconsistent or unpredictable can leave the nervous system hyper-attuned to others’ moods. People become driven to keep others happy to avoid disconnection.
Attachment theory research shows that those with an anxious-preoccupied style often seek closeness while fearing rejection. People in this style may work hard to keep others happy as a way to maintain relationships, even when it means ignoring their own needs.
How It Leads to Codependency
Codependency is not an official diagnosis but a relational pattern where your identity, mood, and worth become tied to taking care of or being needed by others. Over time, self-worth becomes linked to caregiving, conflict avoidance, and being indispensable.
Over time, this can create:
Difficulty identifying your own wants and needs
Over-responsibility for others’ feelings
Tolerating unhealthy behavior to avoid loss or rejection
Exhaustion and burnout
Why Kind, People-Pleasing Individuals Are Often Taken Advantage Of
Low boundary signaling: If you rarely say “no,” people may assume you are always available or okay with what is asked. When someone rarely says “no,” others may unconsciously (or consciously) test and expand boundaries.
Conflict avoidance: When you sidestep disagreement, it may unintentionally communicate that you agree, even when you do not.
Uneven emotional labor: You may end up doing more of the work in relationships, which can attract those who benefit from taking rather than giving.
Reinforcement cycle: Others learn that you meet their needs with little pushback, which reinforces their behavior and keeps the imbalance going.
Fear of Looking Like a Nag: Chronic self-silencing means that when needs are finally expressed, they may be interpreted as “too much” or “demanding,” even when they are reasonable.
The “Bad Guy” Backlash: After years of over-accommodating, asserting even basic boundaries disrupts the status quo. Others may react with defensiveness or resentment because the dynamic is changing, not because your request is unfair.
The Anxiety–Fawn–Codependency Loop
Trigger (conflict, perceived disapproval, potential rejection)
Anxiety Spike (nervous system alarm: fear, dread, tightness)
Fawn/People-Please Response (agree, appease, over-help, self-silence)
Temporary Relief (“I avoided conflict”)
Long-Term Cost (resentment, burnout, loss of identity)
Attachment Reinforcement (“I’m only safe/loved if I keep others happy”)
Skills for Breaking Out of Codependency
1. Build Awareness
Notice the Early Signs of Fawning
Rapid agreement without checking your needs
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Over-explaining to “keep the peace”
Notice physical signs of anxiety when you agree to something (tight chest, racing thoughts, knot in stomach).
Ask yourself: “Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I fear the consequences of saying no?” “Am I staying silent because this doesn’t matter to me, or because I am afraid of looking like the bad guy”
2. Name Your Values
· Values act like a compass, guiding you to act in alignment with what matters most to you instead of reacting from fear.
· Ask: “What matters to me in this moment?”
· Identify if your action is aligned with values (kindness, fairness, integrity) or fear of disapproval.
· Examples: honesty, self-respect, mutual care, authenticity, your health, your wellbeing, financial stability, peace, joy.
3. Practice Micro-Boundaries
· Start with small, low-risk “no’s” to build tolerance for discomfort.
· Example: Start with low-stakes situations:
o “Thanks for inviting me. I can’t this time, but I appreciate you asking.”
o “I need to think about that and get back to you.”
o “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t take that on right now.”
4. Challenge Safety Behaviors
· If you tend to smooth over every tension, try allowing small disagreements to exist. Your nervous system will learn that relationships can survive honest differences.
· Practice micro-self-assertions: “This was really important to me, I’m disappointed that xyz”
5. Strengthen Self-Worth Outside of Helping
Engage in activities where your value is not tied to productivity or meeting someone else’s needs.
6. Seek Mutuality
Pay attention to who reciprocates your care and effort. Relationships with give-and-take help retrain your sense of what healthy connection looks like.
7. Use Self-Compassion, Not Self-Criticism
Breaking old patterns is hard. When you catch yourself over-pleasing, try: “I’m practicing a new way of relating. This is one step in the process.”
8. Expect the Status Quo Pushback
Remind yourself: Resistance doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Others’ discomfort often reflects their adjustment, not your worth.
9. Anchor in Support
Share your plan with a trusted friend or therapist. Use grounding or breathwork before and after asserting needs.
10. Somatic Strategies
A. “Boundary Stance”
· Stand with feet hip-width apart, knees soft.
· Shoulders back, chin level.
· Inhale for 4, exhale for 6 while imagining a gentle but firm “field” around the body.
· Practice saying “no” in this stance — notice the difference in tone and confidence.
B. “Hand Stop” Visualization
· Have client close eyes, imagine holding a hand out in front of them in a clear “stop” gesture.
· Repeat affirmations: I can be kind and still say no. My safety matters too.
C. Exhale Release
· After a hard boundary, use a long exhale and shoulder drop to discharge tension.
